Disclaimer: I shouldn't really have to write this disclaimer but I'm going to anyhow. This post was extremely difficult for me to write. It's quite possibly the most difficult one that I have ever written but I needed to write it for the catharsis it provided.
People get super Judgy McJudgersons about breast vs. bottle. I'm team full belly and you'll see why after I finish this, so if you're here to be one of those judgy, poopy pants people, go away. Seriously.
I've written this story out multiple times. I hated how each of them sounded when I read them to myself, so I'm just going to lay out the facts in as succinct a manner as I can.
I can't exclusively breastfeed Cecilia because I do not make enough milk. We've supplemented since day four and I've spent the last four months wrestling with my milk production. I've tried everything except prescription drugs because, frankly, I'm not willing to go that far. And now with my return to work, Cecilia gets more bottles so she realizes the bottles are the faster way to get her meal in and get back to play time.
I wanted to make it to six months. But with Cecilia refusing to nurse and me pumping every day to make a grand total of three 5-7 oz bottles of breast milk a week, it's just not going to happen. I've wrestled with the decision for a couple of weeks now, vacillating between sadness and excitement with a consistent undercurrent of guilt.
Does it suck that I didn't get the breastfeeding experience that I had hoped for and planned on?
You bet it did. Mourning the loss of the experience that I wanted was pretty difficult, but I'm grateful the one we had. I won't miss my pump though. Pumping is lame no matter how good the pump actually is.
Was my supply problem related to having PCOS and insulin resistance during puberty?
Maybe. It certainly seems the most likely culprit.
Can I ever know for sure?
Sure, if I wanted to slice open my boobs, I could know for sure. I don't want that so, no, I'll never know for sure. Besides it's not like I have a time machine to go back and tell myself not eat every food in sight and sit on my butt playing video games all day. Nor would I really want to. That would totally mess up the timeline and I might not even have Cecilia!