Thursday, July 30, 2015

Growing Peanut: Our Feeding Story

Disclaimer: I shouldn't really have to write this disclaimer but I'm going to anyhow. This post was extremely difficult for me to write. It's quite possibly the most difficult one that I have ever written but I needed to write it for the catharsis it provided. 

People get super Judgy McJudgersons about breast vs. bottle. I'm team full belly and you'll see why after I finish this, so if you're here to be one of those judgy, poopy pants people, go away. Seriously.

I've written this story out multiple times. I hated how each of them sounded when I read them to myself, so I'm just going to lay out the facts in as succinct a manner as I can.

I can't exclusively breastfeed Cecilia because I do not make enough milk. We've supplemented since day four and I've spent the last four months wrestling with my milk production. I've tried everything except prescription drugs because, frankly, I'm not willing to go that far. And now with my return to work, Cecilia gets more bottles so she realizes the bottles are the faster way to get her meal in and get back to play time.

I wanted to make it to six months. But with Cecilia refusing to nurse and me pumping every day to make a grand total of three 5-7 oz bottles of breast milk a week, it's just not going to happen. I've wrestled with the decision for a couple of weeks now, vacillating between sadness and excitement with a consistent undercurrent of guilt.

Does it suck that I didn't get the breastfeeding experience that I had hoped for and planned on?

You bet it did. Mourning the loss of the experience that I wanted was pretty difficult, but I'm grateful the one we had. I won't miss my pump though. Pumping is lame no matter how good the pump actually is.

Was my supply problem related to having PCOS and insulin resistance during puberty?

Maybe. It certainly seems the most likely culprit.

Can I ever know for sure?

Sure, if I wanted to slice open my boobs, I could know for sure. I don't want that so, no, I'll never know for sure. Besides it's not like I have a time machine to go back and tell myself not eat every food in sight and sit on my butt playing video games all day. Nor would I really want to. That would totally mess up the timeline and I might not even have Cecilia!

Monday, July 6, 2015

Cecilia & Mommy: 3 Months Old

Cecilia got a lot more fun this month. She's a smiley, happy and engaging baby when she's not tired. She loves to stare at everything, and pet new fabrics with her hands now. We even got a super cute giggle session on video! Unfortunately she still hates napping which means it's even becoming difficult to get her to nap in the Ergo. It's something we're going to be working on in the coming month.

She's been spending her days with her Grammy while I'm at work. Once she got past her initial stubbornness that someone besides me was feeding her, it worked out a lot better for both parties.
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Mom! There's a ceiling fan up there! It's amazing!
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Big smile for the camera!
  • Hanging out on her changing table and having cooing conversations with Mommy after her diaper has been changed
  • Eating breast milk, she's clearly developed a preference for breast milk over formula, can't say that I blame her
  • Being very smiley and happy in the morning
  • Staring and cooing at the toys on her play mat while mommy makes oatmeal in the morning
  • Being pulled to a sitting position and held there
  • Staring at everything intently
  • Touching Mommy's waffle knit t-shirt - I know babies like to experience different textures but she is super fascinated by that one shirt
  • Kicking Mommy's leg repeatedly while we wait for the bath tub to fill up

  • Napping in general - the world is too interesting, why would she want to sleep! 
  • Bath time
  • Swaddling - I've given up.

I'm back at work part time now. It's good and bad at the same time. I miss her during the days but then I realize I enjoy interacting with adult humans who say more than ah, eh, uh and oo. Plus, I like using my brain to solve complicated problems. I hate pumping though. A lot. It makes me want to give up on breastfeeding entirely, but I told myself I'd make it to the six month mark and gosh darnit, I'm going to.

Gee, I wonder where my daughter gets her persistence?

I'm actually finding it a little hard to lose weight because breastfeeding makes me extra hungry throughout the day. I also completely forgot to take a selfie for this month. Woops, sorry (not really, you know I hate them anyhow), I'm a huge slacker. Nothing's changed since last month anyhow. Honestly, I'm the boring half of this post right now, perhaps I'll have more to write about next month.

Previous Posts:
1 Month
2 Months