Tuesday, July 20, 2010

I wonder...

Sometimes as I'm falling asleep my brain likes to wander off and think strange thoughts. Last night for example, as I was finally falling asleep I had the following thought:

What if your life was like the Truman show? Only instead of it being a movie, it was a series with episodes on DVDs?  Could you watch your life from a third person perspective?

I suppose I should preface this by saying that that thought was most likely spawned off a thread of thinking I had while I was running yesterday. It occurred to me (shortly after my death wishes to the family of geese I ran by) how I have become the woman I always wanted to be.  I am fit, strong, healthy and confident, which is a far cry from the girl I was at 13.

When I reflect on my teenage years and even my very early twenties, I do so with a sense of resigned sadness.  I spent so much of the time angry. Angry at the world, angry at food, angry at the seeming injustice that pervaded my daily life, angry at myself for being fat, angry at everything. Anger has always been the emotion I most readily identify with and that can be a tragic thing.  At the time, I couldn't identify why I was so angry. I was too mired in my own feelings to step back and assess.  Perhaps I just wasn't mature enough.

Regardless of that fact, I view that time period with resigned sadness because I feel like I missed out through no one's fault but my own.  I felt limited by fear and my anger and as a result missed out on experiences that could have been fun. I never tried to make friends, for fear that they just would not have understood me.  So many things I could have tried, but didn't.

I do not, however, regret the meandering and largely confusing path my life has taken to bring me to this point.  We are the sum of all our experiences, both negative and positive.  If I had never been as angry as I was, I may never have finally decided to take action. I may never have arrived at this point in my life, where I am contemplating deep thoughts on a long run.  Who is to say what could have happened? 

I just know that I definitely could not watch my own life in a series of episodes on DVD.  I can hardly watch The Office because it makes me feel awkward and uncomfortable, I can only imagine my life would evoke that feeling ten times more strongly!